The Further Adventures of Dumb And Dumber: My Near Death Experience With A Sunday Life Journalist.
As most of the world knows Belfast City Centre was a hive of activity on Friday evening. On most Fridays people hurry home from work, others plan a social event with friends and then there is the dark under current of society, were men in suits run for their Friday night fix. Supposed professionals, pillars of society indulging in their dark pastime: feeding their, not so little habit. All this was interrupted last night when Republicans prepared to walk through Belfast City Centre. Loyalist incensed by recent events organised a number of counter demonstrations.
This would make for a very interesting evening and I was tasked by Ulster News to cover the event. I hoped to get some pictures and a feel of events, then head home for a night with a good book and some relaxing music. This is what I had in mind anyway, but as soon as I arrived at the junction of Royal Avenue and Upper/Lower North Street, a bizarre series of occurrences took place.
I became aware of a strange man watching me, this was done in a surreal fashion: like Inspector Clueless. First he popped out of a door way then ducked back in. Next he was standing like a super sleuth behind traffic lights, like a two year old who believes they are invisible. I carried on with the task at hand aware of the cartoon style behaviour of my weird stalker. As time went on he became even more brazen holding his iPhone in the air like a bad take on Mr Bean. This lap dog behaviour became so tiresome, I told him I would take his picture if it did not stop, which I did. The super sleuth then belched, “you’ve got a record.” At this point I realized who my stalker was, why it was Big Jim McDowell’s 2IC, super sleuth Sully. I informed him that he also had a record: as one of the biggest liars in the country and if he really wanted my picture he could get it in Ballyhome beach any time he wanted, as I always walk my dogs there. I told him again of his shameful and blatant lying in the Penny Dreadful he works for and that he should be ashamed of himself. He put his hands up and said, “Ok Clifford you’ve made you’re point.”
The Invisible Man, Dick, Hiding Behind His Phone.
I went back to what I was there for. A short time later, the terrible tag team arrived next to me, Dick had got backup. Why it was like the finals of the Biggest Liar In The Country, all taking place at the corner of North Street. This gruesome twosome hadn’t finished with Peeples. Dick had sent for the Big Guns, straight from recovering from a bad dose of the chickens, Ciaran Barnes was ready, high on a mix of adrenaline and his own self-importance, he was ready for anything. Ciaran’s addiction to danger is well known and he’s been known to put a Bhoyo or two in their place.
I snapped away at the worsening scenes, riot police, dogs, water cannon, smoke bombs, and a general mêlée going on but none of this interested Dick & Barnes. The terrible tag team had slapped hands and Barnes was ready for his time in the ring, he twitched, rubbed his nose yet again, which is apparently a sign that you’re ready for a fight or something. Like a bull with nostrils flared, Barnes fired his salvo. Screaming that I was a “dirty fat bastard” and continuing with threats of “I’m going to fix you, you Fucking Fat, Fucking Cunt.” This continued as I tried to report on what was taking place. Police officers were being injured and a full riot was now about to engulf Royal Avenue. None of this interested Barnes as he behaved like a mad man. I told him to stop screaming obscenities and if he wanted he could talk to me later round the corner. He continued on his obscenity fuelled diatribe, making more threats of physical violence towards me. Something that was of concern to those standing around him. One woman was telling him to, “stop behaving like some mad man on drugs”. His disgraceful barrage became too much for one riot control officer, who broke away from keeping public order and publicly reprimanded him, telling him he would be arrested if he were to continue. The officer came to me and told me that he had warned him about his behaviour and that I should stay away from him. The officer then reengaged with the riot control team.
The sad fact is, “You can put a monkey in a suit but it is still only a well-dressed monkey.” Dumb and Dumber slipped off after the officer’s reprimand, no doubt to tell their war stories and think of how the tag team special ought to fill the Liar’s Weekly. Me, I’m just glad I’m alive, when someone is addicted to danger like Barnes and have that thousand yard stare, coupled with an itching nose, Bhoy it was close.
This Article First Appeared On www.ulsternews.wordpress.com