Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups for 2013


The Executive parties, peace guru Ricky Haass, Irish bloggers, and a couple of drop dead gorgeous MLAs have swept the boards in this year’s Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups.

   Robbo’s Dupes win the Mandela Memorial for the most historic U-turn. Just as Mandela converted from anti-apartheid terrorist to global peace ambassador, so too, has the DUP backtracked over its support for the Maze Shrine.

   The Shinners collect the Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak Cup for making their president Louth TD Gerry Adams ‘disappear’ in the wake of his brother Liam’s sex abuse conviction and the Sinn Fein boss’s alleged role with the Disappeared.

The election battered Ulster Unionists collect the ‘Head Stuck Up Their Asses’ award for believing they will still be relevant after next year’s super council poll.

The Stoops win two major titles, which is just about all they will win as they prepare to join the UUP and the old Nationalist Party in the dustbin of Irish history.

SDLP boss Big Al McDonnell wins the Sunglasses Special for the best performance at a conference on TV (mind the lights!), and the party also clinches the Conall McDevitt award for Expertise in Getting Expenses.

Alliance collects the ‘No Political Brains’ trophy for winding up the loyalist working class over the Union ‘fleg’ dispute.

And speaking of flags, Ricky Haass win the ‘When in doubt, bung up a flag’ cup for suggesting that the Irish tricolour flies alongside the Union Jack at Stormont.

Let’s hope Unionists are clever enough to demand equality and we can see the Union Jack also fluttering over Leinster House, Dublin Castle, the Garden of Remembrance, Croke Park and the Wolfe Tone commemoration at Bodenstown.

The Puke-Up Prize for making people vomit with its blunt presentation goes to pro-life fundamentalist organisation, We Shall Not Be Silent.

The Top Tit Trophy is won jointly by ex-UUP MLAs Bazza McCrea and wee Johnny McCallister for launching a new political party, NI21, which sounds more like a strain of bird flu.

The tightest battle in 2013 was for the Gobshite Cup, awarded to the social media folk for their comments about my Fearless Flying Column in the Irish Daily Star.

Three bloggers tie for this, known as ‘Tain Bo’, ‘Anonymous’ and ‘dan Breen’. For legal reasons, I cannot name them, but my source in MI5 assures me of their identities.

The Miss Stormont political babe prize is shared by the two glamour gals of Parliament Hill, namely the super sexy MLAs Jo-Ann Dobson of the UUP and Sinn Fein’s Megan Fearon.

‘Pie in the Sky’ Politician of the Year goes to ex-GAA president, Sean Kelly, from Kerry, now a Fine Gael MEP.

Sean revealed how Ireland wanted to bid for the 2023 Rugby World Cup with some matches being played at GAA’s Casement Park. Aye, right, Sean!

The Supporters of the Year Gong goes to the fan-tastic Ulster Rugby lot.

I can never understand how Ulster Rugby manages to bring so many folk together at Belfast’s Ravenhill, with plenty of booze, no segregation, and no chanting at the ref – just polite clapping and sober singing throughout!

And the Side-Splitting Trophy goes to independent republican councillor Paudie McShane, for his crackpot press statements on the Palestinian crisis.

There’s already a fine line-up of assholes … I mean, intelligent politicians, queuing up for 2014’s nominations.

This post first appeared in the John Coulter column of the Irish Daily Star.


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