COULTER’S COVETED COCK-UP CUPS FOR 2015
Contentious Unionist journalist and Tribune magazine’s Ireland Columnist DR JOHN COULTER takes a highly irreverent and satirical look back at the political year with his now annual Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups for 2015.
Many of the Irish political parties plus the American Secret Service have swept the boards in this year’s Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups awarded by political journalism’s very own Mouth On The South, Dr John Coulter.
The Top Tit Trophy goes hands-down – or should that be hands-up? – to Fine Gael Taoiseach Enda Kenny for not pledging Irish Defence Forces troops as part of a future ground war against the Islamic State nutters in Syria.
Irish troops have served with distinction as part of United Nations operations, and I have every confidence that if they were sent to Syria, the Islamic State thugs would be diving for cover after they got a good shamrock covered boot up the arse.
The Political Prats Prize is won by Fianna Fail for not seizing the poll initiative and unveiling an electoral pact with the Shinners, thereby ensuring the Blueshirts don’t inflict another four years of cuts and job losses on the Irish nation.
And speaking of Sinn Fein, party president and Louth TD Gerry Adams collects the Best of British Bowl, kindly sponsored this year by the IRA’s Army Council, for continuing to help administer British rule across the Emerald Isle.
Gerry’s buddy, Marty McGuinness, is deputy First Minister and helps run Stormont’s Partitionist Parliament along with the Democratic Unionists in the North.
And there’s no doubt if the Brits vote to quit the European Union in 2017, a Sinn Fein partnership government will have to negotiate the South having to rejoin the Brit-run Commonwealth Parliamentary Association, otherwise the Republic will become an irrelevant pimple on the asshole of the EU.
As for the Greens, North and South, they collect the Looney Looper Award for continuing to hook-wink the Irish electorate with all the crap about global warming, species becoming extinct, and really having no policies which are of any relevance to the everyday life of folk on our blessed island.
As for the Irish Labour Party, it gets the Yellow-Belly Cup for lacking the balls to merge with the British Labour Party in the North and forming the first genuine all-island socialist force in Ireland for over a century.
Then again, the political cowardice of the Irish Labour movement isn’t surprising and the Left in Ireland is always splitting and fighting over something. Just when is Irish Labour going to show the same balls as the Shinners and fight elections on both sides of the border?
As for the Northern parties, the DUP collects the Lost In Space trophy for not electing Unionism’s Mr Big Gub, wee Jimmy Allister, the head buckaroo of the fringe and hardline Right-wing Traditional Unionist Voice party as the new DUP chief to succeed Robbo.
With the DUP facing a potential battering from the Northern Prod electorate for its continual pussy-footing with Shinners at Stormont, wee Jimmy could have given the DUP the muscle it lost when Big Ian left this scene of time to organise the angels in heaven.
Mind you, the Ulster Unionist faction with the DUP collects a new award this year, the Takeover Trophy (kindly donated by the British Intelligence community now that it has completed infiltrated the republican movement) for getting the most number of ex-UUP members into senior positions with the Rev Ian Paisley-formed Democratic Unionists and converting the DUP into the UUP Mark 2.
And speaking of being lost, Mikey Nesbitt’s Ulster Unionists also romp home with the What The Feck Do We Do Next Cup, for making the UUP politically unrecognisable to its own voters.
Instead of the UUP being the voice of traditional centre right Unionism, Mikey has summoned the spirit of the former Northern Premier Brian Faulkner and turned the UUP into a politically limp-wristed version of Faulkner’s now defunct Unionist Party of Northern Ireland … maybe Mikey is planning a shotgun marriage with Alliance?
Talking of Alliance, it needs to grow balls, tits and virtually every other vital political organ imaginable as its plans to combat the threat from Islamic State in Ireland are about as useful as a contraceptive in a maternity ward.
Alliance wins the Latte Lib Cup for being more focused on drinking trendy coffee than getting its finger out and saying something brave about the need to take on the Islamic terrorists threatening Ireland.
The Sticky Silverware goes to the Stoops, who under new boss Comrade Colum Eastwood look like they will drift so far to the Hard Left, they’ll fall off the political spectrum into the dustbin of history like the Irish Nationalist Party and Irish Independence Party before them.
And what of the prestigious Gobshite Cup – which goes to the social media folk who say the most amusing and daft things about me?
The clear winner is the American Secret Service for its inability to spot clear satire when I suggested Islamic State be tackled by dropping mustard gas on its bases. But then again I’m told, some Yanks don’t do irony, sarcasm or satire.
This year is nearly over, but already there’s an impressive group of assholes and twits queuing up for the 2016 awards. Happy Easter!